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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23929651">The ABC of LGBTQ+</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyLemon/pseuds/LilyLemon'>LilyLemon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Sexual Confusion, Sexuality Crisis, Terrible Plans, gay mentor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:54:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23929651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyLemon/pseuds/LilyLemon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At a football game, Simon realises that he's not straight (rather, Penny forcefully makes him realise) and has no idea what to do with this information. <br/>Baz overhears him having a sexuality crisis and decides to step in (rather, Dev and Niall intervene and make him). He's also having trouble making his parents acknowledge his sexuality, and is trying to make a plan to make them accept him.<br/>So, Baz unwilling becomes Simon's gay mentor, and Simon helps Baz plan a way to make his parents acknowledge he's gay, once and for all.<br/>It's going to be a wild ride.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dev &amp; Niall &amp; Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Dev/Niall (Simon Snow), Penelope Bunce &amp; Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Tacky pride flags and the beginning of a wild ride.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First fic on ao3! I've got a skeletal idea of what's going to happen, so if you have any suggestions or ideas for what you want to happen, please share them with me!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I hate Watford football, I’ve decided. Well, that’s not true. I hate the conversations that Penny tries to have whenever we’re at the football matches, or practices if we’re really bored. Before, she’s tried to start conversations about her sex life (which I thought was pretty nonexistent but apparently has a lot going on) (who knew webcam sex was kind of a thing) (I didn’t let her get too far in before I cut that conversation right off), my sex life (which actually is non-existent) and now, my sexuality. I just said that I thought one boy on the pitch looked fit (it’s an actual match and the bloke’s from another school, so I don’t know his name) and now Penny’s preparing herself for some self help therapy session. </p><p>“It’s just, you say that about a lot of boys,” she bulldozes “And I’m starting to think that your comments may not be purely objective.” Well fuck. I did not see that one coming. I hadn't even noticed that I said it that much, but now I’m thinking about it, maybe I do say that a lot. And I do think it even more, I just don’t voice all my thoughts. But it’s hard not to notice someone when they’re really fit, it doesn't matter whether they’re a girl or boy. Doesn't mean I'm gay...I think.  <br/>I don’t want to think about this anymore.  </p><p>"Does it matter?" I ask, hoping she's not going to delve further, because Jesus Christ there's a very small chance that I might not actually be totally straight.  </p><p>"I guess not, but Simon, are you...are you gay?" There we go, the winning question. Shrugging, I just look at her, and she looks a mixture of confused, hopeless and very slightly amused, which is how she often looks at me, if I'm being honest.  "Do you maybe want to talk about this somewhere else?" She asks, still looking at me in that way, and I give her a tiny nod as I cover my face with my scarf so she can’t see me blushing. Because the more I think about it, the more I think that I’m probably not straight.  <br/> </p><p>Back in my room, she perches on my bed and looks at me. After a while, I realize she's waiting for me to talk, but I'm not sure what to say, so I shrug again, but then actually open my mouth.  </p><p>"It's not gay to think boys are hot, right?"  </p><p>"Well, I could look at a girl and think that she was hot, and that wouldn't mean I wasn't straight. But, say, I thought about kissing them, or sleeping with them, or generally not just objectively thinking they were hot? Probably not straight." Shit. How many boys have I thought about in that way? Quite a few. Gareth, Niall, even one of the teachers and quite a few of the boys at the care home...shit. Baz will lose his shit if he finds out about this. Oh holy fucking shit, Baz. I’ve thought he was hot a few times, if I forgot about his personality.  </p><p>“But Simon, you might be different! You could still be straight. But...probably not” she says, in an attempt to calm me down that isn’t working. </p><p>"But I went out with Aggie. And I fancied her. So, I can't be gay!" I almost shout, throwing myself off the bed and standing up so I can pace around the room.  </p><p>"Simon, there's not just gay and straight. There's bi, pan, ace, demi and so many more." She says, and although I have no idea what she's talking about, I nod along and pretend I do. I need to read up on this, do some research like Penny would, but without her there. I love her, but I need to figure it out myself. Pretending that I've just remembered something that needed to be done, I finish the conversation quickly and shoo her out of the room, feeling like a terrible person for just getting rid of her like that. Then, I sit on the bed and try to gather my thoughts.  <br/> </p><p> </p><p> BAZ</p><p> </p><p>Snow thinks he might be gay. Snow is having some kind of crisis about the fact he might be gay. Bloody Snow thinks he might be fucking gay. How has he only just realised? I figured it out when I was twelve or thirteen and started having questionable, slightly scandalous thoughts that were never about girls. But Snow? Only thinking about it now, at age seventeen.  </p><p> </p><p> "Snow’s straight, Baz. Sorry, but there's no way that kid is gay," Dev says, effectively crushing my soul with just a few words. They found out about my infatuation with him when we were all fourteen and I couldn't stop talking about him, though I denied the fact that I liked him. Then, when we were playing truth or dare, they asked me, and since we'd spelled each other to tell the truth, there was nothing I could do. Dev thought it was hilarious, and Niall had crowned himself as my wing-man, which he still says he is now. </p><p>"Okay, I get that he seemed weirdly happy with Wellbelove last year-"  </p><p>"While she seemed so, so unhappy with him. Except when they were snogging. Hey, do you think they hooked up?" Dev asks, interrupting me and putting images into my head that I don't want to see. Well, the parts with Snow, those bits I want to see. Wellbelove, however, is another story.  </p><p>"Nope, not talking about that. No, just no," </p><p>"Jealous? Listen, we all know that you don't want to admit it, but they were a couple, and they seemed pretty touchy. All signs point to yes, they did the deed." </p><p>"Where would they even do it? Snow's got Baz as his roommate, and Agatha's got Miss Possibelf checking in on her every five minutes since she lost her roommate." Niall asks, finally interjecting himself into the conversation after just watching Dev and I argue while he scrolls through Instagram on his phone (contraband, of course, but everyone's got one, even Bunce. I follow her on Instagram, only because she posts some pretty interesting things.) (Everyone else thinks it’s boring, just because they have to use their brains a little) (Morons.)</p><p>"Second term, last year, Baz spent every other night in here rather than in his actual room," Dev says, shooting me a glare. He got pissed off near the end of the term and told me, in simple terms, that him and Niall needed some time for them, as a couple, without their friend third-wheeling (because at that point they'd started dating), which made me blush furiously and not enter their room again for the next six months. "They could have easily hooked up then. And since we put the silencing spells on their dorm in second year because of all their fighting, there's no way we would've heard them." </p><p>"No, still not talking about this. Point is, I heard him basically having a mental breakdown while Bunce explained to him that it's kind of gay to want to sleep with guys," I almost shout, and they both stare at me. Niall looks overly interested and leans in, eager to hear more, while Dev scoffs.  </p><p>"Sorry, did he think all dudes just want to screw each other?" Dev laughs, till I silence him with a look.</p><p>"You and Niall do,", which makes him blush and Niall giggle slightly. They make me want to gag. In a good way. Kind of. </p><p>"Wait, so he's gay?" Niall asks, his eyes lighting up with a prospect of him finally being able to set us up (like I wouldn't just dive right in myself if I thought I had even a sliver of a chance with him; also, I would probably set Niall on fire if he even tried to do anything), while Dev starts to smirk.  </p><p>"Oh my God, you're gonna jump him or something, aren't you?" Dev laughs, and I can feel myself blushing, even though I know it's not that obvious because I haven't fed recently.  </p><p>"No, I'm not going to ambush him, as much as I want to," I smirk, embracing my awkwardness. It's true, I'd love to just push him up against a wall and have my way with him. But, that's neither here nor there. </p><p>"The thing is, he thinks he's gay, he doesn't know. Well, Bunce said he could be bi or pan or something, but I don't think he knows what any of it means, honestly." I'd put money on the fact that he thought there was only gay and straight.  </p><p>"You could be his gay mentor or something!" Niall almost shouts, jumping up from the floor and gesturing wildly for no reason, because there's no way I'm doing that. Absolutely no way. I mean, I don’t even think he knows I’m gay. I didn’t really ever come out, I just stopped pretending I was straight around fourth year. But, point is, there’s absolutely no way I’m being Snow’s gay mentor, like some shitty movie Niall would make me watch.  </p><p>“Teach him the ropes, get all cosy...jump him!” Dev shouts, pointing at me and almost hitting his head on the bed because he’s rolling around and laughing so much. Right now, I’m wishing he would hit his head on the bed, very, very hard. </p><p>“I’m not being his gay mentor. No, no no. Not happening.” But as much as I protest, they just keep shouting. Still, there’s no way I’m doing it. <br/> </p><p> </p><p>Somehow, they've convinced me to do it. Be Snow's gay mentor. I really, really didn't want to, but they're horribly persistent and they know how to get me to do something. They told me I don't need to worry, that it'll all work, and in the end I was just too tired to argue. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? We already hate each other and he probably thinks I'm a freak anyway (I know I do), so who cares if he just thinks I'm more fucked up than before? So no, I'm not worried.</p><p>That's a lie. I'm really fucking worried. </p><p>Just got to get it over and done with. It really can't go too badly.  <br/> </p><p> </p><p>What the fuck is he doing? He's sitting on his bed with books surrounding him (all rainbow covers, with titles such as "So you think you're gay?" and "The ABC of LGBTQ+") and on his phone (contraband again, I'm not sure how he bought it though) he's got pictures of actors. All male, very, very hot and mostly shirtless. Holy fucking shit.  </p><p>"Um, hi Snow," I say, feeling so incredibly awkward and knowing it shows in my speech. (Pull it together, you're a Pitch) </p><p>"Oh, Baz. Hi. Um. Hi. What are you - This isn't-" </p><p>"Are you gay?" I ask, being as subtle as a fucking spaceship.  </p><p>"I, I don't know..." he mutters, looking so confused and dazed and small.<br/>Like a curious child, but a lot more worried. This is going to be very difficult. I can’t help but smile and think that maybe it won’t be quite as bad as I’d thought. <br/> </p><p>I hate everything, especially him. Actually, Dev and Niall come top of the list, then him. </p><p>“But wait, what’s bi?” He asks for what seems like the fiftieth time, and it takes everything I am not to hit him over the head with one of his rainbow fucking books and then wrap him up in the rainbow flag he somehow procured and toss his body into the moat. It hasn’t been the easiest half hour.  </p><p>“When you like guys and girls, Snow. Keep up!” I say, and he scowls at me. I pick up yet another one of the books (I’ve got no idea where he found them, I’ve never seen any of these in the library) and open it on a random page so I’ve got something to do with my hands. </p><p>“How did you know you were gay?” Well, it was pretty obvious when I started thinking certain people (none of whom were girls) would be very nice to snog. Nope, not saying that.<br/>When I wanted to push you up against a wall and shove my tongue down your throat as opposed to cursing or punching you.<br/>When I fell asleep thinking about what it would be like to go out with you. </p><p>“I thought about boys and not girls,” I settle for, but the meddling goose wants more.</p><p>“In what way, though?” </p><p>“Well, Snow, it wasn’t me wishing I could be best buddies, was it? I wanted just a bit more than that.” </p><p>“I know that,” he says, scowling again at me from underneath his eyebrows and golden hair. “But, doesn’t everyone think about boys like that?” </p><p>“I can assure you, not everyone wants to sleep with men, Snow. So the question is, would you go out with a guy?” I ask, and he looks so conflicted, I just want to hug him, which makes me want to throw myself out of the window.</p><p>“I guess. I mean, it depends on the dude. But I wouldn’t have anything against it, I guess.” </p><p>“Yep, that’s very much not straight.” I want to grab party poppers and some kind of massive cake and just celebrate. Who cares if Snow wouldn’t go out with me specifically? It’s a step closer, surely. </p><p>“When did you come out?” </p><p>“Thinking about when to do it yourself, Snow? I can’t imagine you’d have many people to tell.” I say, because I’m self destructive and love to mess things up for myself, clearly. </p><p>“Shut up and just answer the question,”</p><p>“Fine. Third year, summer. I threw a massive party with a cake that said “I’m gay” and had my father find me kissing a guy. He was overjoyed.” </p><p>“Really?!” He exclaims, actually believing my ridiculous story that I made up just so I could avoid telling him what actually happened. </p><p>“No Snow, of course not. I told my parents at dinner and they’ve avoided the topic ever since.” I say. I leave out the part about when I left the table and screamed that I wished they loved me just a bit more and didn’t make me pretend to be something I’m not. And the part where my father and I didn’t speak for the rest of the summer, and the part where Daphne approached me the day before I left for school to tell me she loves me no matter what. Most of it is just too angsty to say, and I can’t handle him knowing all about my awkward home life. </p><p>“Oh,” he says, pulling a hand through his hair and growling when it gets caught in one of the curls. “Why do they care?”</p><p>“Because having a gay son is apparantly a massive disgrace and nobody can ever know. It’s ridiculous, bordering on homophobic and surprisingly upsetting, but what can I do? Besides, why does it matter? In a year and a half I’ll be leaving home for uni and I’ll be living by myself, free to be as gay as I want.” Why am I opening up to him? Why am I telling him things I’ve only ever told Dev and Niall? Why do I like talking to him so much?</p><p>“Why don’t you do something?” he asks, and I swear I see him shift just slightly closer to me. </p><p>“Do what, Snow? And why would I bother? They’d just pretend it never happened, like everything else.” </p><p>“I don’t know, but, like,” he huffs, and it takes all my willpower not to either hit him or kiss him. “Couldn’t you do something big? In public or something, so they can’t deny it. Don’t you all have super posh parties and shit? Do something super gay there.” I want to ask him why he cares, but I don’t want to put him on edge and end this conversation. I hate to admit it, but I like talking to him like this, even if all the bad quality gay flags are ridiculous. Silently, I laugh at the fact that there’s never been a time when I want to antagonize him less. </p><p>“Maybe, Snow. What do you have in mind?” I ask, because apparently I’m so pathetically in love with him I can’t bear to say no, and so fed up with my father’s denial that I’d actually put a plan that Snow came up with into motion. Well, consider it, at least.</p><p>Bring it on. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Definitely Not Thinking of His Lips, And Actually Not Thinking of Jumping Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes, it's been over six months. Are we going to comment on that fact? No. Are we going to comment on this fic? Hopefully (cue vaguely disconcerting smile).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You could do a flashmob, because-” Snow says, sharing yet another one of his ridiculous ideas. I wanted it to be dramatic, but his idea of hiring a plane with a sign attached that says “I’m gay” is possibly one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard, and Dev is one of my best friends. </p><p>“No flash mob. If you’re going to be of any actual use, you could try suggesting something good, maybe?” I’m trying not to be snappy, but it is so, so hard. </p><p>“Make a cake that says you’re gay?” </p><p>“Not dramatic enough,”</p><p>“Wear a T-Shirt that says you’re gay?”</p><p>“I don’t wear T-Shirts.” He gives a long-suffering sigh at my response, which I think is rich, considering I’ve had to deal with his shite ideas for the past hour. </p><p>“Posh twat. Set something on fire?”</p><p>“What does that have to do with being gay?” I ask, aghast at his latest, life threatening and completely pointless suggestion. I might just set him on fire, if he carries on like this. </p><p>“I dunno, but you were saying no to everything so I was just gonna start saying random things.” He says, and I have to fight back a laugh. I may be being a bit picky, but this needs to be perfect, considering I’m going to be doing it in front of half the mages in England. If we ever come up with anything, that is. “What if you jump out of a closet wearing something rainbow?”</p><p>“Has to be in front of everyone, Snow.”</p><p>“Yeah, and? Magic up a closet or some shit. You could do it.” I just shake my head, and he leaps up, almost flinging me off the bed when he does so. “It’s dinner! Shit, I almost missed dinner!” And he dashes down the stairs, leaving me in the room alone, still surrounded by tacky pride flags. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So you didn’t jump him?” Dev asks, brandishing a carrot on his fork at me and staring at me like I’m his latest problem that he needs to figure out. </p><p>“For Crowley’s sake, no! I didn’t fucking jump him!”</p><p>“I can’t decide whether to be proud of you for having the control not to, you know, jump him, or be disappointed in the fact you had a chance to hook up with him and didn’t take it.”</p><p>“There was no chance! Besides, why are you so obsessed with me having sex?”</p><p>“I’m just saying, maybe if you finally slept with someone, you’d be a bit less of a twat.” Niall snorts at this, then holds his hands up defensively when I shoot him a glare. </p><p>“Hey, I’m not agreeing with him,” he says, gesturing towards a sniggering Dev. “I’m also not disagreeing, but there you go.”</p><p>“Fuck off, both of you,” I mutter, but I’m trying not to smile. </p><p>“Anyway, you didn’t jump him? What did you do then?” Niall asks, steering the conversation away from my sex life, still acting out the role of peacemaker. </p><p>“I answered his incessant questions, and he tried to plan a massive coming out for me.” I don’t mention the fact that I was actually willing to do it, but Dev sees right through me. </p><p>“He’s gonna help you come out? To who? And why didn’t you ask us for help? We could have planned it with you, you twat!” </p><p>“Jesus, Dev, calm down!” Niall jokes, some non-magickal slang slipping in from spending his summer surrounded by Normals. </p><p>“I didn’t think I needed to come out, but Snow insisted. Anyway, nearly all of his ideas have been life threatening in one way or another, so I doubt I’ll be doing any of them.” I say, and the conversation turns to Dev’s horrific homework, which Niall and I gladly slag him off for. </p><p> </p><p>As I’m trying to just fall asleep, and in no way signalling that I want to start another bloody conversation with Snow, he ambushes me. </p><p>“Baz,” he whispers, clearly trying not to wake me, which I feel a miniscule (very miniscule) amount of gratefulness for. Until he starts prodding my arm and whispering my name like it’s a fucking spell he can’t cast. </p><p>“Baz!” Maybe if I pretend I’m actually asleep, he’ll fuck off back to the Hell he clearly crawled out of, the demon. </p><p>“Baz, Baz, Baz, Baz, Baz-” I’d like to say I have restraint, but Snow is the most trying force I’ve ever had the misfortune of spending time with. </p><p>“Did you fucking hit me?” </p><p>“It was that or murder,” I say, “so be glad I chose that one.” Maybe it was a bit of a hard slap. </p><p>“What, murder me by draining my body of all its blood?” No, he deserved that slap. Wanker. </p><p>“If you don’t tell me why you were incessantly prodding me, I’m going back to sleep. You have five seconds.” He sits on my bed, and has the audacity to look offended when I kick him off. There’s a bed two metres away - his bloody bed, nonetheless - that he can sit on, if he really can’t stand for five seconds (because that’s the longest this infernal conversation is going to last). </p><p>“I’ve had an idea for your coming out thing!” He stopped me sleeping for what?</p><p>“Snow. It was in no way necessary to tell me in the middle of the night.”</p><p>“But, you see, it-” I move forward and press a finger to his lips (and don’t wonder at the tingle I feel, because I’m not that pathetic. Obviously.), then when he finally shuts up, sit back again. </p><p>“Shhhhh. No, no, stay quiet. Finally, some fucking peace. Listen to me. If you don’t keep your mouth shut until it’s light again, I will throw you out the window. I will do it, Snow. Unless I’m on fire - not you, I don’t give a shit if you’re on fire - unless I am on fire, you will not wake me up again, ever. Now, get off my fucking bed.” With that, I lie back down, shut my eyes, and sleep. And definitely don’t dream of my finger on his lips, because I’m better than that. Obviously.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you liked it! Find me on tumblr at lilylemon12.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Scone Crumbs, An Elaborate Ruse, and Being The Best Fucking Boyfriend Ever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Basically what it says in the chapter title. Enjoy! :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a few weeks after Snow’s original conversation with me about being gay, and we’ve settled into a routine of civility as we try and hatch a plan to force my parents to acknowledge my sexuality; we haven’t fought for a month, I’ve actually smiled at him in the corridor once - something Dev and Niall won’t stop talking about, saying it’s proof of the blossoming love between us - and we’ve decided on an easy rhythm in the evening, which is based around us sharing any findings and then leaving the window cracked open, with the curtains closed so it’s slightly warmer. Our “findings”, another word for us discussing plans that have no chance of working, are so far useless, and Snow still hasn’t figured out if he’s gay or not yet - and he still keeps bombarding me with questions, which is getting progressively more irritating - so really, for our whole friendly routine, we’re still where we were a month ago. Which is to say, we have no plans, no ideas, no useful information, and absolutely no clue what to do with either of our situations. </p><p>*</p><p>One night - after we’ve opened the window, closed the curtain, brushed our teeth, sniped at each other about the light, and finally climbed into bed - Snow creeps over to my bed and plants himself on it with no warning. Technically, I could both hear and see him coming, but I prefer to blame him for it. </p><p>“Baz, I’ve had the perfect idea!” He seems so excited, which is actually pitiful, because that means either our scheme is the most thrilling thing going on in his life, or he craves my approval so deeply and he believes this will make me proud of him, and both of those possibilities are incredibly dismal. </p><p>“And you decided to tell me now, Snow? Is this going to become a routine - waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me plans that won’t work?”</p><p>“You weren’t asleep, I could tell. You always look less sour when you’re asleep, like you’re not trying to be unhappy,” he says, and I’m unsure whether to be insulted that he thinks I try to be unhappy, or concerned that he watches me enough to know the difference between a sleeping and awake me. There is, of course, the third possibility: have a gay panic because he’s watching me when I sleep, and people always do that when they like each other. Or when they’re stalking each other, which is more accurate in this situation. “And this plan will work, I can feel it. All we’ve got to do is the opposite of what your parents want. Penny was saying that the best way to disappoint someone is to make it clear you know this isn’t what they want, and then to do it anyway.” Bunce is smart, to give her credit, and the idea could be the basis for a successful plan. Now all we need to do is actually come up with and execute the aforementioned plan, which isn’t going to be easy, especially with Snow by my side. </p><p>“So, the opposite of what my parents want is for me to be gay, obviously, and for me to do it publicly. They’ve always despised those who are horrendously obvious with their romance, so I need to be disgustingly open about it.”</p><p>“When you say open, do you mean PDA?” And then Snow starts sniggering, like some uncontrollable pre-schooler. “Sorry, but I really can’t picture you being all in love in front of everyone.”</p><p>“Never fear, Snow, I also can’t see myself doing it. I guess we’re in agreement, for once.” He clambers off my bed, and I think he’s going back to his, which makes me feel both relieved and lost, but he grabs a tin of scones from under his bed and starts eating one. As I’m about to comment on his mess - because there’s crumbs in every crevice, and he hasn’t even finished one scone yet - an idea occurs to me. “The easiest way to do this would be to date somebody - somebody who my parents disapprove of, not just for being male.”</p><p>“So we’ve gotta find you a boyfriend then. Mate, that’s not gonna be easy.” I ignore his comment and keep talking, determined to finish my plan before I run out of courage. </p><p>“No, Snow. I’m not dating someone just to disappoint my parents. You may think I’m the worst person alive, but I’m not so much of a monster that I’d drag someone along like that if they didn’t know it was all for show. My boyfriend needs to be someone who’s aware of the entire plan, and who knows that there are no real feelings.”</p><p>“So, who could that be then?” Sometimes I think he couldn’t be any dimmer, and then he goes and says something even more obtuse than anyone could have thought. </p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Snow, there’s only one person who knows about the plan. Telling more people would only cause stress, and I’m not exactly close with many gay blokes.”</p><p>“Wait, who knows about the plan besides you and me?” I’m resisting the urge to hit him over the head right now, but each time he opens his mouth, it gets harder to not decapitate him. </p><p>“Nobody, you utter wanker, because it’s a secret! Therefore, as secrets work, nobody else knows! We are the only people who’re aware of this plan. So, I was thinking, it would be far simpler if you just pretended to be my boyfriend.” He doesn’t shriek, vomit, scream, or jump away from me, as I’d feared he would. He doesn’t even look faintly disgusted, only nod slightly to indicate he wants more information. “Listen, you’re still trying to figure out if you’re gay, and pretending to date someone would be the perfect opportunity to see if you have feelings for men. And I need someone who’s in on the plan, so that I can fool my parents into thinking I have a boyfriend that I’m painfully, disgustingly in love with.” That part won’t be too hard to pretend. “It helps that my parents genuinely believe you’re one of the worst people alive. They’d rather I dated anyone over you.”</p><p>“You’re my boyfriend, you’re not meant to be such a prick.”</p><p>“I’d take it as a compliment if I were you. They’re not particularly pleasant people, and if they dislike you, it means you’re doing something right. Besides, Daphne will adore you, and she’s the only kind person in the entire family.”</p><p>“Did you just say something nice to me?” He asks, looking genuinely shocked. I pull on a smile so sweet it could make a whole birthday party of five year olds hyper, and pat his hand. </p><p>“You’re my darling boyfriend, Snow. I’m meant to be enamoured with your very existence, aren’t I?” Although it’s so sickly I want to vomit, Snow actually blushes, and quickly says goodnight, presumably so he can escape me. He seemed sure about the plan, but now it’s in action, I wonder whether he’ll regret agreeing to date me. Well, “date” me.</p><p>*</p><p>“Morning lads,” Dev mutters, sinking into his chair at the breakfast table and knocking back coffee, looking as if he wishes it’s the vodka he’s so used to taking shots of. When he notices me looking, he shoots me the finger and pours himself another mug. “Seeing as I’ve lost the will to live, coffee’s the only thing that’s keeping me going.”</p><p>“What’s up with him?” I shoot at Niall, and Dev knocks his head on the table. In contrast to Dev’s heartbroken appearance, Niall grins. </p><p>“Some shite show on the telly he’s been watching was cancelled. He’s fucking distraught.” Dev mumbles something into the wooden surface of the table - possibly protesting Niall calling the show shite, though it’s hard to tell because of the muffling wood - and I decide to go for it. </p><p>“Would some gossip revive your will to live? Because, boy, have I got some news.” They both nod, and I dramatically pause, stirring my tea and waiting for a second, until Dev calls me a prick and tells me to “hurry the fuck up”. “Gentlemen, Snow and I have hatched a plan. As my dear parents - namely my father and his relations, as opposed to Daphne - refuse to accept my flaming homosexuality, we’ve come up with a way to really rub it in.” Niall bangs his hand on the table, and Dev and I don’t even jump at the cutlery and mugs clattering, so used to Niall being a fucking wreck. </p><p>“You’re dating, aren’t you? Look at his face! Oh, Baz got railed!” His jumping from conclusion to conclusion isn’t unusual, but I still swat at his arm. </p><p>“Nobody got railed. And we’re not actually dating. It’s a ruse, to disappoint my parents, and show that I’m actually gay and not going anywhere near a woman.” Dev cackles at this, throwing his head back in a display of great energy, surprisingly this early in the morning. </p><p>“You’re fake-dating Snow, the person you’ve been in love with for years, to piss off your parents? This is what’s going on? Jesus, Baz, this can’t go any way except shit,” Dev almost shrieks, and I wildly shush him. He’s so unaware that other people actually have fucking ears, and that they can hear what he’s saying. Niall, meanwhile, leans in close to the two of us, sweeps his hands as if telling a story, and takes a deep breath. </p><p>“In fair Verona, where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to-” I cut him off with a punch to his shoulder, and Dev loses it again, howling with laughter and causing several people to give us irritated glances. Just as I’m about to fire back a retort, Snow stumbles into the room, tripping over his shoelace, and I wave him over. </p><p>“Oh look at Baz, being a good boyfriend. How adorable young love is!” I throw him the finger, then smile at Snow in a way I hope is attractive, or at least friendly. </p><p>“Hey, um, babe!” Snow grins at me, and I snag his hand, looping my fingers through his and trying not to notice the smoothness of his palms, or the way he easily slots our pinkies together and compares the size of our hands. Without thinking, I pull him onto my lap, and then lean into the curve of his neck, angling my mouth towards his ear. </p><p>“Morning,” I whisper, and honest to God, he shivers, pressing his back against my chest. Dev, always wanting one of us to be the centre of attention, wolf whistles, and people all whip around in shock. The sight of Snow and I - mortal enemies, as he once declared - snuggled up together probably is an astonishing one, but their open mouths still grate on my nerves. I push the annoyance back and grip his hand harder. I’m going to be the best fucking boyfriend ever, no matter how unexpected it may be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you liked this (and let's hope you did) leave me a comment or come say hi on tumblr. My username is lilylemon12. Bye! (And Happy New Year!)</p>
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